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The Horns!? The horror! Another Big 12 team makes Bottom 10’s latest list

Editor’s note: After only two weeks back on the college football calendar, the SEC is all over the place. The Big 12, meanwhile, is in total disarray. The regularly bad teams are, well, regularly bad. As always, the Bottom 10 looks to sort it all out.

Inspirational thought of the week

Watched a horror movie, right there on my TV
It’s bound to get you in
Get you under your skin
Hit you right on the chin, oh yeah
It’s bound to be a thriller
It’s bound to be a chiller
It’s bound to be a killer, oh yeah
Shockin’ me right out of my brain
Horror movie, right there on my TV

— “Horror Movie,” by The Skyhooks

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in chlorine-soaked storage shed where Lee Corso keeps his pool-cleaning supplies, we were fully aware that October had begun as the Week Whatever It Was games kicked off Saturday. This, despite the fact that our kitchen calendars are still stuck on May 7, because that’s when the movie “Black Widow” was supposed to have premiered.

We were reminded that the month of Halloween had arrived because on every screen in my house, there was the horrifying high-def imagery that instantly made my blood go ice cold, caused my family to scream in terror, and sent my dog scrambling into the pantry. OK, maybe that was because I’d spilled a bag of pork rinds. But the touchstone source of our sudden panic came when, while flipping channels between the SEC, ACC and Big 12, we accidentally stumbled upon the first true horror film to unexpectedly pop up on cable TV this autumn.

No, not “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge.” And no, not “Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives.” It wasn’t even 2003’s “Freddy vs. Jason.” The horror film we found ourselves helplessly mired in, like a skeleton in a mud bog, was much, much worse. It was the final minute of the game involving Louisiana-Monroe and Georgia Southern.

When that nightmare was finally over, I realized I might never sleep again. But that was totally cool because I was totally behind on finishing this week’s rankings.

With apologies to Wes Craven and Steve Harvey, here’s this week’s Bottom 10.

1. ULM (pronounced “uhlm”) 0-4

Let’s see if we can accurately describe what happened to our top bottom team Saturday night. The Warhawks, in their third straight Pillow Fight of the Week, played over the first four weeks of the season, were down five and driving on Georgia Southern Not State with less than a minute remaining. With 23 seconds to go, they had a receiver in the end zone, who was more open than a Vegas Super Wal-Mart, but the pass sailed over his head. Then, on second-and-goal from the 10 and the clock ticking, a Steve Young-like keeper landed with a thud as the QB’s head and shoulders crossed the goal line … but the ball did not.

As ULM scrambled to get set for the next play, the clock ran out. Then, they had to wait five minutes for a review from the replay booth, cruelly building up their hopes before crushing them like a dried-up November jack-o’-lantern. I’ve watched only one of the “Saw” movies, but now I’m pretty sure I’ve seen two, because that toy clown-bad guy thingy had to be the one behind the controls of the torture machine inside which the Warhawks were stuck.

2. Muddled Tennessee (0-4)

The Blue Raiders suffered their second straight heartbreaking fourth-quarter loss, this time via a late touchdown that cut the deficit to three but then failed to recover the ensuing onside kick. The loss came at the hands of the Western Can’t-ucky Hilltoppers, who were also winless entering into the contest. It was the day’s second Pillow Fight of the Week, a.k.a. PFOW 2: Electric Boogaloo. You might think a “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” reference is out of step with our horror movie theme. But if you think that, then you’ve never actually seen “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo.”

3. EC-Yew (0-2)

The East Carolina Pirates have set sail only twice this season, but their defense never made it out of drydock either time. If you’ve ever spent a weekend in Greenville, North Carolina, then you know this might be the first time someone has ever used “dry” and “East Carolina” in the same sentence.

4. Texas State Armadillos (1-3)

The Bobcats fell 24-21 against the Fightin’ Byes of Open Date U., as they were clearly already looking ahead to their Oct. 17 trip to one-win University of South Alabama. This, despite the fact that they also have another game in between now and then, this Saturday’s visit to Troy, a.k.a., University of Also In South Alabama But Not As South As South Alabama.

5. Schnook ‘Em (1-1)

Then-ninth-ranked Texas lost to then-unranked TCU by two points, becoming the fourth Big 12 team to sit in the Coveted Fifth Spot this season, joining Kansas, Kansas State, Iowa State and Oklahoma. Speaking of Oklahoma, does it get much more 2020 than the fact that these probably would have been the cheapest off-the-street Red River Rivalry tickets available in years after a bummer weekend for both Texas and Oklahoma?

6. Kansas Nayhawks (0-3)

Who knew that, when we hit October, Kansas fans would be looking for wins on their schedule and thinking, “Texas and Oklahoma in back-to-back games in November? That might not be too bad.”

7. Duke Bedevileds (0-4)

Dook is 0-4 and 1-9 over its past 10 games. David Cutcliffe is widely considered one of the smartest coaches in all of football. As a high school player in Birmingham, he was widely considered one of the best two-way players in the history of his high school. Unfortunately, he isn’t allowed to play two ways right now.

8. FSU Semi-No’s (1-2)

Yes, they won. But, yes, they struggled throughout the first half against Jacksonville State, an FCS school playing the first of its four scheduled fall games. Now, FSU faces a pair of AP top-10 teams over the next two weeks in Notre Dame and UNC. Whenever a Bottom 10 team defeats a Top 10 team, an angel gets its wings. No, wait, I misread that … a Hell’s Angel eats a plate of wings.

9. Charlotte 0-and-2ers

OK, the 49ers aren’t actually the 0-and-2ers. They are the 0-and-1-and-0-and-1-and-0-and-2ers, with no wins, one postponement, one cancellation and two losses.

10. UMess (0-0)

Massachusetts is still trying to book some games for fall 2020 and holds out hope that some last-minute dates might come its way. For anyone else, that would be a problem. But the Minutemen have been suiting up with little or no notice since Lexington and Concord.

Waiting List: Needs More Cowbell (1-1), South Florida Bulls— (1-2), Navy Blue (1-2), Wait Forest (1-2), Southern Missed (1-3), The Team Who Lost to Southern Missed (1-2), Houston Still Trying To Play (0-0), Temple Not Yet Having Played (0-0), COVID-19.

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